Gotta Love Those Nuts!

BRANDY WALNUT CAKE

1 yellow cake mix pkg. (Duncan Hines), 1 small pkg. vanilla instant pudding mix, 4 eggs, 1/2 C water, 1/2 C brandy, 1/2 C canola oil, 1&1/2 C chopped walnuts. Spray bunt pan with Pam Spray. Mix cake & pudding mixes. Add water, oil & brandy & mix well. Add eggs & mix well. Add walnuts & pour into Pam-sprayed bunt pan. Bake 350° for 40-45 mins. Let the cake stand 1 hour to overnight, then remove from bunt pan. Make glaze: 1 cube butter (1/2 C), 1 C sugar, 1/4 C water. Boil until dissolved & set aside. Before glazing the cake, add 1/4 C brandy to glaze.

NOTE: For my Mormon tea-totalling brothers and sisters….if you add the brandy to the glaze while boiling, the alcohol cooks out….leaving just the flavor of the brandy. Boring—but kosher—and sinless. (Hee hee) A bit befuddled as to how to GET the brandy with no one knowing?

SUGGESTION: Before trekking to the liquor store for this tabooandeversoevil purchase, you may want to consider going incognito—but you must prepare ahead to be absolutelywithoutadoubt grossly inconspicuous. (Your not-so-Mormon friends and family will always remind you of your scarlet sins, so be careful pursueing the prohibited libations!) Wear two different kinds of shoes, maybe a 3-inch high heal and a low-top sneeker, that way no one will ever know if you are a guy or a gal—always throws them off. Make sure you tie the laces of the sneeker around your other ankle so you don’t look as brilliant as you truly are. Dawn the sweatshirt Uncle Bud neverinhislife laundered—that way, if they have an inkling you may be a girl, they’ll think of an elk in rutting season instead. Wear the not-so-baggy-now pants that shrunk yesterday, exposing your mayonnaise calves and your numerous/ generous/gelatinous rolls of midriff, and make sure you have planned this waaaay ahead, leaving your wooley alabaster legs and belly button unshaved for several years. If you have time before this escapade, French braid the hair on your belly button—no one will have a clue you are who you are ’cuz everyone knows you always wear your hair curly. Place a bag over your head and breathe like you have asthma. (Make sure the bag is paper—plastic will prevent you from ever making this delicious brandy-walnut cake.) Walk with a limp and take baby steps, but be careful not to trip yourself with the shoe lace tied to your other ankle. Light a cigar and puff it normally and with finite finesse—through your left nostril. Exhale through your carefully coifed naval, of course. Speak to the clerk like you have electrical tape over your mouth, and twitch a little—not too much—just enough to make the bag rattle a bit giving the impression you are truly low on zinc. (Mormons never twitch and they are never low on zinc—’cuz they always stock a 2-year supply.) And then, when you ask the clerk for the brandy, sneeze, cough, wheeze, and vomit justa bit—no one will ever guess you are you ‘cuz everyone knows Mormons don’t get sick ‘cuz thy never drink or smoke. One catch, though….If the clerk asks for your I.D., you just might be in trouble. At that moment, pretend to throw your back out…crawl out the door on all fours, making sure the brandy bottle is tucked up between your numerous/generous/gelatinous rolls of midriff…. HURRAH! YOU NOW HAVE THE BRANDY TO MAKE YOUR CAKE, and no one ever had a clue! …. and for five buckaroos, your secret might be safe with me, you sinful, sinister, slothful, sickening piece of soap scum! (But the cake is worth it—s’pecially the NUTS!)