Not An Ordinary Day At The Dentist…

Shots are not my thingy.  But, all painful things can be perfectly peachy with enough nitris oxide to stifle uncontrollable PTSD panic attacks and a dentist that pats my hand and reassures me that the last world war is still in the distance and Trump made sure that that Hillary kinda presidential candidate is now in jail.

What started out to be just a filling replacement went the whole gamut to a full blown crown.  Going from $300 to $1400 was no big deal to HIM—actually, a VERY big deal to him since it meant a boat, truck and partial house payment made in a whole 60 minutes!  BUT…..there were a few complications.  Today he actually worked for his money.

The first problem:  It takes a LOT of numb stuff in me to actually get stuff numb.  Having a recent torturous face peal was enough to throw me over the edge (another sordid story!)—so I was sure to warn him before he began.  When he hit my tooth and I shot to the ceiling knocking his instrument tray off the holder, he knew he had to numb me even more.  So he wedged in one of those open-wide thingys in order to reach all the way into the back of my mouth with his scary-as-heck Novocain needles.  I endured.

And then….(I won’t repeat the actual O-word here), but I’ve told you in the past what happens to my body with the absolutely wonderful side effects of nitris oxide.  Well, I was truly enjoying that sensual full-body feeling when it happened…..

All was well through the whole ordeal—even up till the point the temporary crown was cemented in place–until he hit my gag reflex.  It wasn’t ALL that bad considering I had only consumed enough green smoothie for breakfast to fill the basement bathtub.  His request to “Open wide now…” came with a gag of projected kale, spinach and a bit of carrot juice that actually hit his bifocals then slimed down and dangled on the bridge of his nose.  He wasn’t all that mad–just a little shocked—mouth all agog–well, shocked so much that he shared a few expletives that really weren’t all that respectful in the presence of a pay-as-you-go female senior citizen.  What made it really quite funny though is that he inhaled just as I unintentionally but innocently wretched the smoothie thru the air hitting his tonsils which made him spontaneously swallow his second (I’m assuming), breakfast!  I thought he really should give me a discount on the crown since I literally, in all reality, treated him to at least a partial meal! He didn’t appreciate my reminding him via my second bi-lingual talent, American Sign Language (just ‘cuz of my inability to actually speak with my mouth pried open), that green smoothies were actually good for the gums.  What was really bad was that while enjoying my pleasurable side effects from the laughing gas, I had to endure that open-wide thingy stuck in my mouth and it really was quite the feat to vomit without working the lips and tongue to spit out all the left-overs.  Instead, I started laughing—quite awkwardly, of course, as it was very difficult—but I must say, quite skillful, honestly–to get the giggles to emerge and since there was extra left-over-un-ground-up celery on my tongue, I accidentally gasped for air just a bit and gagged again!  This time the hygienist got it—and I must say, green really matched quite nicely with her soft pink lab coat.  She didn’t think so and actually ripped the slobbering bib from my neck to wipe the projected emesis from her now-color-coordinated dental office attire.  I had created quite the stir in the office, and all came running to see what they could do to help.  I actually was doubling over with laughter but couldn’t get the guffaws to extricate normally so I sounded like a donkey in heat which really made this whole escapade even more hilarious.  By now the dentist was quite red in the face, puffed up, and breathing heavy and being the concerned and loving person that I am I wanted to tell him about Pro Argi-9+ and all the miraculous cardiovascular benefits since he looked like he would have a stroke any minute but trying to talk beyond that open-wide thingy to sufficiently warn him that he was in danger of imminent demise was a very difficult-to-do service project, so, I just decided my heart was in the right place anyway.   Out of shear desperation and self-protection, I’m sure, the hygienist was kind enough to pop the open-wide thingy from my mouth and I then apologized profusely for the upset.  Trying to be sincere about an apology between tears of total hilarious hysteria took a lot of self-control, but I managed, thank you very much.  (AND, trying to be compassionate when totally enjoying the sensuous full-body laughing gas effect was very difficult also—but I forced myself to decide that the real O-thing without chemical inducement on a someday wedding night would be worth setting aside the in-the-moment artificial pleasure.)  When all was calm he gathered his wits about him and politely told me he didn’t think to install a shower in his new office to wash away vomit smell….but I reassured him that perhaps an alternate splash of Old Spice was all that it was cracked up to be.  I must say, he was very glad for me to say good-bye and get RID OF ME! And then he realized….

….this crown replacement was only a temporary……….I WOULD BE BACK!